Waiting for Life to Begin

I've spent a lot of time waiting for my life to begin. All through high schook, I waited for college then for getting out of college. When I became a mom I slowed down because I really loved that sortof wanted to freeze time. I thought then that my life had finally begun. But time didn't stand still so then I started waiting for the girls to finish college so then my life could begin. But I didn't know how to begin it. I felt completely unneeded and unnecessary. I thought the empty-nest syndrome was just plain silly. I would not go through that. That was for people who had not examined their lives -- who hadn't done therapy -- who weren't as close to their kids. The fact is that I was completely mired in empty-nest-ism. And to make matters worse, the empty nest was in a new state, in a new house where there had never really been a nest. So I felt completely lost. Instead of my life beginning, it felt over. I've never actually said this aloud (this is saying it aloud, you know). But I just didn't know what to do. And as my breathing got more difficult and I blamed my own self for being lazy and inert, I became more and more lazy and inert. Oh, my life was definitely not beginning. Or if it was, it wasn't beginning anything fun. But now, I understand that it began 60 years ago, the process never ends, and it is what I make it. I always knew that (I'm not stupid) but I obviously didn't actually get it. I'm making it a lot more fun today than I was a year ago (one year ago today I went into the hospital for a couple of lovely weeks). Today I'm going to Curves. I'm so much happier. I am so grateful. But really I can't see to type any more today.