Recreation

Weird Things

2007-01-21T14:29:00.000-08:00

Six Weird Things Meme

There are so many weird things about me I guess I'll just grab the first 6 that come to mind.

1) I have to use oxygen because I took medication that, it turned out, I was allergic to. It wrecked my lungs but we found out too late to do anything about it. It's a pain in the ass -- especially when we try to travel when the airlines add major bucks to the cost of the ticket for me to use their oxygen.
2) I have a "funny little family." It's growing lately though. In November there were two additions: our first grandchild (a lovely little girl) and one daughter's new partner. There are now 7 of us with 5 last names. Go figure.
3) My husband & I met in group therapy when we were working through the crap that accompanied divorces. What's weird is that we learned lots of intimate details of each other's lives before we even knew the other's last names or the usual first date stuff. I think that gave us an amazing foundation and we are more in love today than we were 22 years ago.
4) I spend more time reading knitting blogs than I do knitting.
5) I used to love to quilt until the combination of us having to downsize and my health made it impossible. I had to give away about 25 cartons of fabric but it all went to quilters who will use it to make quilts for AIDS babies and the Ronald McDonald House. That helped blunt the pain of having to get rid of all that fabric -- a little.
6) I had to give away a large part of my yarn stash, too. I don't know where it went, just that it went to some charitable organization (or someone scammed me). But I still have way too much yarn for me to knit it all in my lifetime.
7) I remember the details of pregnancy and childbirth as if it happened yesterday. I loved every single bit of it. The child in question is 36. And I love her just as much as I did then -- more even.

I know that's 7. I said I was weird.

Recreation

2007-01-20T09:34:00.000-08:00

Now a Knitting Blog

Originally this blog was a means to help me through some personal growth issues. Recreation then meant re-creation. My own re-creation. Now it means recreation as in having fun. So the blog name remains perfect. It's time for me to have fun even though my life is at a really scary place right now.

I'm just testing to see if I can actually do this. I don't actually produce enough knitting to make it interesting but what I don't produce, I think I can make up for in pictures of stash. My stash is about 1/10 the size it once was but there's still plenty to knit for the next umpteen years. I have several cones of lace wt. yarn that I could sell on eBay because I doubt that I'll ever use them again. But then again, I'm just getting interested in knitting lace ... Who knows.

Now I'll put up pictures of some finished objects from 2006. Mostly I knitted baby things because in April my birthday present was the announcement that my daughter L was going to have a baby, our first grandchild. Baby A, a beautiful little girl was born the day before Thanksgiving.

So I started with the Baby Kimono from the genius women at Mason Dixon Knitting (GWMDK). It was a joy to make with Artyarns Ultramarino. Unfortunately, the gauge god reared its ugly little head. And by little, I do mean little. I'm just hoping our granddaughter likes to play with dolls when she gets older. The hat might possibly fit her, maybe. And the socks are fine. But the sweater. Doll clothes. Not human clothes. Go figure. So next I decided to play it safe and actually do a gauge swatch. I'm sure you've heard of that. I knew it was familiar but I just hadn't done too much swatching myself. Once burned, twice whatever...

So next came the Baby Moderne variation on the log cabin blanket also from the GWMDK. (Gauge swatch not required.) This was fun to knit up until the the last couple of logs when I thought garter stitch was no longer my friend. But when it was finished, I was very happy with it. And when I saw the baby in it, well, I just could have burst. And it had to have a matching sweater. It's the kimono again only this time I did the cardigan variation. And it fit the 1 month old with freakin' room to grow. I saw this with my own eyes and was very pleased.

Next came several Ballband Warshrags. Why? I don't know except that everyone was doing them. That's my excuse. They, too, are from the GWMDK. Isn't everything? I love that book. I am in awe of their creativity. I love that this book is full of stuff that doesn't have to fit (okay, except for my problem with the first kimono). Here are two ballbands. The others are the same but different colors. Seen one, seen 'em all.

Then I had an itch to do the Devan sweater from Knitty. Ever since it first appeared in Knitty, I wanted to make that sweater. Now I had a baby coming and a real excuse to make it. And heaven knows I have enough sock yarn for dozens and dozens. But of course, I had to buy more sock yarn because the sock yarn I had was enough for one pair of socks each and this sweater required two skeins . Oh, poor me, I have to buy yarn. Okay, now I have enough yarn for for several Devons! But I've only done this one.

This sweater was a gift for another baby. The pattern is from the Yarn Harlot herself, Stephanie Pearl McPhee and is called "Daisy" -- it was also from Knitty. I used a washable wool from Brown Sheep for this one. It's very soft and cuddly. I wish I'd taken a picture of the buttons. They were great!

That's all the knitting I have pictures of but I do have one more picture. I toyed with bead weaving for a while. Okay, toyed with is not quite accurate. I was obsessed with it. My daughter B summed it up quite well when she said, "Well, Mom, beading doesn't take up as much space as knitting and sewing." Too true. But the obsession didn't last either. While I was obsessed, I had a very ill friend. I designed and made her this bracelet. She believed that angels were watching over her. I sure hope they were because she died, and I'd like to believe she's one of them now.

Corticosteroids & other stuff

2004-08-24T08:28:00.000-07:00

"Corticosteroids are a family of drugs that include cortisol—an adrenal hormone found naturally in the body—as well as synthetic drugs. Though natural and synthetic corticosteroids are both potent anti-inflammatory compounds, the synthetics exert a stronger effect. Oral forms of corticosteroids are used to treat numerous autoimmune and inflammatory conditions, including asthma, bursitis, Crohn’s disease, skin disorders, tendinitis, ulcerative colitis, and others. They are also used to treat severe allergic reactions and to prevent rejection after organ transplant.
Corticosteroids are available for inhalation by mouth to treat asthma and other conditions of restricted breathing, as well as by nose to treat symptoms of nasal allergies. Topical forms are available to treat skin conditions, such as eczema, psoriasis, insect bites, and hives. Some topical products contain combinations of corticosteroids and antibiotics, and are used to treat ear, eye, and skin infections."

An ode to steroids. A partial list of the problems that the powerful steroids can address and fix. Unfortunately, they also carry side effects like brittle bones, cataracts and elevated blood sugar - particularly if they are taken in high doses or for long periods of time. Not to mention weight gain. Major weight gain. So from the minute you goes on steroids, you want to get off them. It becomes a goal, like finishing college or deciding where you'll be living next month. That's pretty much like I've done with my life. I know I blogged about waiting for something to happen for my life to begin.

Well, I'm nearly off steroids, just taking a little bit and damned if I'm not being hit with some old familiar stuff. Haven't been to exercise in over a week now. Took me long enough to say it, didn't it? But I got there. For Catholics, confession was never an easy thing, not even when we made up sins -- which of course we had to do because first we were little kids and not at all sinful and then we were teenagers and every thought was sinful but you couldn't say that out loud especially to a priest. So we just made up sins. I'm not making this up. I haven't exercised in over a week. Gout & fibromyalgia. Again. My GP says there's a new med for gout on the market in Canada which is going to be approved soon by the FDA, one that won't be a problem for my lungs. But he's trying to get it from Canada for me now. Gotta love this guy. And he lives in Texas, not Maryland!!

But as I go down on steroids, I'm having to go up on Topomax which is the epilepsy medication. I have had 2 seizures in the 3 months since seeing the neurologist last so she wants to up the dosage a bit. I don't mind because they are fabulous appetite suppressants. I get full really fast. I've even lost some weight. Not gobs but the scale is going in the right direction. Hooray.

I've been selling selling selling. Ebay mostly but I had this particular fabric that I must tell you about. I had 2 yards of all 60 colorways of this fabric. I loved it. Here's a quilt made with some of this fabric: http://www.creativequiltideas.com/phc.htm and http://www.lvcm.com/ht/nova.html and http://www.flamewerks.com/images/quilts/quilt.jpg and http://cloudnine.freeservers.com/gallery_2a_art_quilts.html (scroll down - it's the one called "Cyberplaid). I loved this fabric. Obviously. I had 120 yards of it. I found a buyer by joining an art quilt online forum and just asking if anyone in that group knew where I might sell it. I was thrilled that it went to a good home (www.elizabethpoole.com). And this morning someone from the Quilters' Guild of Dallas picked up 14 (FOURTEEN) boxes of fabric. She will make packets that will be used by the guild members to make quilts for AIDS babies and Ronald MacDonald House kids. It makes me feel great that all this fabric will be used to cuddle babies and little kids. It takes away a part of my guilt, too. Isn't it ironic that we get this big tax write-off at a time when we have nothing to write it off against. Damn.

As the old saying goes, "Write if you get work." In my case, I just write here -- work or no. It helps.

What Helen Keller Said

2004-08-16T09:41:00.000-07:00

I just received this quote in my email from A. We had talked about it on the phone and she remembered (I am so impressed): "Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing. To keep our faces toward change and behave like free spirits in the presence of fate is strength undefeatable." (from Let Us Have Faith, 1940).

Whew. Is that on topic or what??

Off Center But on Track

2004-08-16T09:22:00.000-07:00

I'm still here and will probably write even less frequently now. The move, you know. At the moment, moving east has the edge. It looks like the winner but things could change when we get to the electoral college or even when we recount the vote. You never know what those hanging chads will reveal.

K. spent nearly a week back there and is no closer to a job. The idea of going back and not having employment is damn scary if you ask me. Much scarier than staying here with no job. The hospice company is not close to offering him anything here either so...

I am very fearful and must face this head on. I don't want to be ruled by fear. So I won't be. It's not how I choose to live my life. But I have a lot of work to get done so I'd better get going and do it. Please send us positive vibes. We really need them right now. (Like we don't always???)

This is how I choose to live

2004-08-09T10:50:00.000-07:00

I am meditating daily. I think I can say that now that I've done it every day for two weeks. I love that.

I find that when I ask myself if I'm chosing or doing what or how I want to be in my life, it helps me stay on track. It helps me to stop eating when I'm full. It helps me to not eat the wrong foods. It helps me get in the car and go to Curves. The question I ask myself is this: Is this how I want to live my life? It requires that I stay present and that's the hard part -- and the most important. There are still times when I just feel the need to zone out.

But maybe that's just a cop out. This morning has been one of those times. I haven't gotten anything done, and I have to leave in about an hour. But my new resolve is to start treating myself as if I were one of you guys, a friend. So I'm not going to get all pissed at myself and start calling myself names. I took the morning off. Period. End of story.

Now I'm going to go take some pictures of some books and sell them (I hope) on ebay.

Trying for a Sucessful Post

2004-08-08T15:38:00.000-07:00

We'll see if Blogger will let me post today. K. is in DC in what may become our new digs. He meets with Tom tonight. I went to church today. Holy shit! I went to church today! I can't even tell you how weird I find this. One of the things they do at this church is this: at the end of the service they join hands & sing "Let There Be Peace on Earth." Everybody is sort of swaying with the music, it's nice. But then the last verse comes and all these joined hands raise up and sing the phrase, "let there be peace on earth & let it begin with me." Man, I gotta tell you, it grabs my heart every time. There is something very powerful not in just the words but the whole group.

Today she talked about forgiveness, and it was excellent. She talked about ways of forgiving and I knew that I had done exactly that with my family of origin. She talked about people we might need to forgive -- parents, boss, friends, spouse, ex-spouse. And just before she said it, I knew what she was going to say -- yourself. If I have been able to use the principles and practices of forgiveness for others in my life, I clearly know how to do it. Now I must use those for myself. It's very important, I think, that I forgive myself for things I've done that I've carried around all these years as evidence that I'm a schmuck, no-good, etc. I won't belabor the point. I'll meditate more.

Now I have to go become ebay queen and sell some stuff. Because, in case I neglected to mention it, we are friggin moving!!

Damn Blogger

2004-08-06T11:28:00.000-07:00

Well, I just spent a good bit of time (which I really don't have these days) writing here & then Blogger ate the whole thing. Dammit. I don't know what happened. But it was gone. So I'll tell you briefly what I told you at length before (aren't you glad Blogger ate the first one!).

Answers for Rap: NoCal daughter is the one who lives in Northern California. SoCal daughter is Peanut who lives in Southern California. I can just see you slapping your forehead and saying, "of course." Finding my voice: I'm not sure what A. meant but here's what I mean. In my family where there were all sorts of nasty things going on, no one talked about any of it. No one told us not to talk. It was just clear that certain things weren't discussed. So I didn't really until I met you at age 15 and even then not the real knitty gritty stuff. I really wanted to be in the school choir at Ichabod but singing out loud at the audition was so scary I could barely get a sound out. So after threatening the music teacher that I wouldn't babysit his new twins, he let me in with the proviso that I mouth the words. Learn a new language? No problem. I could read & write in Latin, French & Spanish. But speak any of them. Forget it. Not a word. Nope, none. Senior class play nearly caused me a nervous breakdown. I had a small but pivotal role which required that I speak with a hoity-toity accent. Totally inhibited. So finding my voice means finding all of them. Making sounds. Making noises. And toning or chanting is supposed to be really good for you -- sets up healing vibrations in your body & all sorts of good stuff. If only A. good leave comments!!

What I also had written about was my little victories. I made it around the circuit twice for the first time at Curves Wednesday. Of course, I could hardly walk yesterday and every muscle hurt but I'll get there! There's a woman who goes at the same time Tina & I do and she's really a hoot. She makes me laugh & makes it fun.

Okay, I'm going copy this before I post it. That way, if Blogger is still hungry, at least I haven't lost the whole damn thing!

Celebrate Victories Wherever You Find Them

2004-08-06T10:07:00.000-07:00

Victories don't have to be celebrated with champagne and a brass band or the friggin president flying onto an aircraft carrier or even dinner at a fancy restaurant. I'm celebrating every moment of the little victories I've been having lately. I made it twice around the circuit at Curves on Wednesday for the first time. Woo hoo. Yea me! I'm wearing a blouse that's been too tight for the past year. Woo hoo, ibid. Lest you think I'm getting a swelled head here. No, not that. I have a really, really long way to go. But each little milestone makes me feel like carrying on the journey and makes the journey more interesting and fun. There's a woman (Kathy) at Curves who's there every MWF at 4 as am I. She's quite skinny and wears lots of make up (which is odd for working out) and has perhaps had a bit of "work" done. She could be anywhere from 50 to 80. I have no idea. But we were introduced the first day I was there, and she immediately started calling me Sal. I loved that. We now have a banter that makes Curves even more fun than when it's just Tina & me. She's really funny. And she can take what she gives so I tease her, and we all laugh a lot. Unfortunately, in doing two times around the circuit (that's all you're supposed to do), I perhaps overdid it. I could barely walk yesterday. Today's a bit better but not 100%. I think I need to go more slowly at each station if I'm going around twice.

Answers to Rap's questions: NoCal daughter lives in Northern California. SoCal daughter is Peanut and lives in southern California! "Finding my voice." I'm not sure how A. meant it but here's how I heard it. Kids in homes such as mine where there's lots of nasty stuff going on learn at an early age that you just don't talk about it. Whatever it is. And you, R., know what all "it" was. You don't talk about it. I didn't until I met you and even then not the knitty gritty stuff. I wanted desperately to be in the choir at Ichabod but opening my mouth to try to sing was way more than I could handle. That's why the music teacher said I could be in the choir if I voiced the words (that & my threatening not to babysit for his new twins). I was/am so intimidated by the idea of making sounds that aren't speaking sounds. Speaking a foreign language? Oh, no. Senior class play just about did me in because I had to speak with a hoity-toity accent. So to me, finding my voice means finding ALL my voices. Letting myself be free to make noise! Toning & chanting seems like a good way to start. Plus it's supposed to be really good for you, sets up healing vibrations and all that good stuff.

I'm trying to get stuff listed for ebay but find it very slow going. K. is going to DC tomorrow and hasn't (as far as I can tell) actually talked to anyone there about jobs. I'm ready to pull my hair out. I really don't want to move across the country and have him sit there and not look. There were all sorts of things that were on our lists, and I think he's just decided the hell with it all. I vacilate between wanting to yell at him and wanting to just ignore the whole situation (oh, that's me all right). Over the last almost 3 years, I've felt it important not to nag him and not to get into his shit. But I'm feeling like I should get into it a bit right now! The move is 6 weeks away, and we have so much to do.

Back on Track

2004-08-04T07:25:00.000-07:00

Okay, this time I really mean it! hee hee! I am meditating every morning. Get up, pee, brush teeth, shower, meditate. I am doing it. I'm going to Curves again, and on Monday made it around the circuit the second time all but 2 stations. Today I plan to get around twice (which is all one is supposed to do). Saturday the NoCal daughter went with me and that was really fun. And I'm being grateful for little victories like that (and even celebrating them in my head anyway). Yesterday at physical therapy, for the first time since I've been going there (I started last September or October), I was able to put my ankle weights on myself. Now that may not sound like much to those of you of normal or slender build. But to me of gargantuan proportions, it's huge. It signals a slight diminution. I'm thrilled by diminution as long as it applies to my dress size & not my wallet!

No-Cal daughter came to visit & to help us get ready to move by weeding junk out but I just wanted to enjoy her and be with her and to hell with the move & work. Turns out she helped a lot -- in a totally different way. She helped by isolating all the tasks that need to be done in the next six weeks and laying them out in a time line (she learned lots in her Coro Fellowship). I will have to edit it to add in times for stuff like doctor appts but otherwise it is SO COOOL! And this she did by just talking with us about what we needed to do. It was painless (at least for us). I don't know how long she was at the computer. I hope not long -- since she's not supposed to be doing much computing (tendonitis, etc., from the computer). But when we got up the next morning there, taped to her door, were these calendars with all the tasks laid out, clear, & easy to see. NOT overwhelming. Or, not as overwhelming. I'm so grateful. It was wonderful to see her and I'm glad we didn't spend the time trying to go through the garage boxes. And I think it's wonderful that even though we said we didn't want her to help us with the move (i.e., garage & boxes), she managed to help us in a HUGE way. Smooches to NoCal Kid!

K goes to meet hospice president today. Fingers crossed. Positive thoughts.

K goes to DC Saturday to meet w/ Tom and spend the night in what could be our next home. I know that just having it settled what city we're going to live in will help enormously. It will be so weird to be home alone after most of 3 years of constant companionship. But I have lots to do so I should have no problems. Plus the Netflix delivery of the week so I'll have some movies to watch when I'm too tired to put more junk on ebay.

Oh, I cooked fish. When No-cal kid was here she cooked fish that was really good so I decided if I was really going to do this healthy bit, I had to eat more fish. Even though I don't like it particularly (although I liked was she made a lot), and I don't like cooking it either. So I cooked some. It was pretty good. Hers was better. A step forward.

I'm going to do two things I've never done before. Friday I'm going to a healer with a friend I met in physical therapy. We go together and one meditate while the other gets healed (?) and then we switch. It should be interesting at the very least. Then next week I'm taking a toning class at the church. Years ago friend A. in Toronto (who's a toner, chanter) said that "I hadn't found my voice" or something enough like that that it stuck in my head that way for years. I'm going to go and see if my voice is there. It sorta reminds me of my late brother-in-law who used to say he found Jesus in Atlanta. I always wanted to say that I didn't know Jesus was lost or that he was in Georgia. Now it's my voice.

I'll leave you with a bit of nature. Yesterday a baby hawk was on the ground under the window of K's office sqawking to beat the band. We were watching. Mom (or Dad) did a fly-by with food dangling from its mouth but must have seen us in the window & so kept on going. So we lowered the blinds and let them be. It's just not what you expect to see in suburbia USA. I love this apartment!

Monday

2004-07-26T12:20:00.000-07:00

Just in case you didn't know what day it is.

I went to Rick today. First time in about a year. What a nice man he is. He pointed out that my ability to block out the world was second to none, was learned at a very young age and was an extremely fine coping skill then. But now? Not so good. Because now, as you (if there are any of you left reading this) know, I have a lot to do and cannot block out the world. I must remain in it and of it and all that. So I planned that I would get K.'s letter for a job application done today but so far he hasn't done his part so I'm twiddling my thumbs. I've taken myself off the knitting lists I was on (they were great time wasters/ reality avoiders and if I knitted half of the time I read about knitting I'd have a lot more stuff done!). I'll be getting schedules made and trying to stick to them but Rick also pointed out that I really suck at that, too (my word choice not his).

But our no-cal daughter is coming on Thursday. My "office" has to be made ready so she has a place to sleep. This is good because it will help in the moving process. Getting stuff out. Moving out. Clearing out. Cleaning out. Weeding out. Out damned crap OUT.

I feel somewhat less stressed thanks to seeing Rick. That's good. But I'm not sure I feel enough less stressed to justify the cost of seeing Rick. But that's another whole issue. It was fun to see my friend Nance who's been w/ Rick forever (like 20 years) and is leaving now. She's very brave. It's like a divorce except they're still friends, and they still love each other, and she'll be just down the hall. I took a camera took their picture to mark the occasion. It was sweet. Very unshrinkish. Rick may have work for me down the line, he said. Projects coming up. Yippee!!

About a half dozen quilters are coming to paw through fabric tomorrow afternoon. I hope they buy a ton. No, I hope they buy it all. Then I don't have to do it any more. I haven't seen a couple of these women in over a year. Some I've never even met. It'll be weird. I don't care. Out damn crap OUT! I am a bit nervous about seeing them. Oh well...

We went to church again yesterday. Amazing, isn't it? This isn't your parent's church! It's called Unity Church and they call themselves "transdenominational." Whatever that means. They pray to "father-mother god." I quite like that (though I think K. doesn't) since it was a bunch of guys who decided god had to be a man and churches had to be run by men. The pastor at this church is a middle-aged woman. Two men are associate pastors (one is elderly, one is young &, I think, gay). You get the picture? One of the things they do as part of the church service is meditate. Funny, huh! Yesterday, something in the meditation made me cry. Don't have any idea what. I've always said that I didn't want to go to church & get preached at, and this church doesn't preach, they teach. What a difference. Huge. Right now, Ellen (pastor) is doing a multi-week series on abundance which we certainly need to hear. It's really helpful. And encouraging. One thing I liked about what she said yesterday. She was saying that our old ways of thinking probably haven't worked so well (well, no. not so good. I've been afraid of being a bag lady my entire adult life.) So she says not to change that thought. She says to change them all! It was good. Really good. We had been going sporadically but we've actually gone every week the last 3 or 4 weeks. I like it. Mikey likes it. It's okay.

Onward to job application letters, to putting things on ebay, to clearing out this room for my wonderful daughter's visit.

Move, Blocked, Blogging

2004-07-24T15:21:00.000-07:00

I realized after I posted rap's comments that being being aware of all of those feelings is exactly what I am afraid of being overwhelmed by, and it's one of the reasons why I haven't been writing here. Moving is so hellish. The older I get the more hellish it becomes. And we just did it like maybe last week? I feel terribly guilty first of all that we even moved here (shoulda put my foot down) and second that Kent has to bear so much of the brunt of it because I'm not much use to him physically. And then I get into this spiral of thinking about what is going to happen to us and I scare myself. I would love to be in some nice serene place in my head where I can go and just know, bloody know that everything will be fine but I don't have that place. So when I start letting the feelings in (like now), I start getting panicky and overwhelmed and then I just want to curl up in the corner and not think about any of this for as long as I can get away with it. So what do I do to keep from literally going off the deep end? How do I simply notice these feelings? They are feelings. It's not like watching a movie. I'm living it. Stop this train. I wanna get off!

Suggestions?

By the way, blogger's comments section seems to be working again.

Not much. You?

2004-07-20T11:20:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the wonderful world of crazydom where I just think I've blogged every day until I get an email from the so-cal daughter saying it's been a whole week. And here I thought no one was even reading. But I surely didn't think it had been a week. Time flies when you're trying to make a major decision and don't have any time, really, to spare. The very good news is the no-cal daughter (it sounds like celery or lettuce or something I could eat my fill of and not gain weight) is coming for a visit! Yippee. We're happy about that.

I've continued having personnel and equipment problems that have hampered my exercise plans. Once the personnel (me) problems were mostly resolved and the inflammation was down, my portable oxygen tank died and the replacement they brought wasn't very portable. In fact, it's a brand they use at physical therapy on a rolling cart. There's no way I could exercise with that sucker. So I just went & did the exercises at the physical therapy place & used their oxygen. Curves has to wait until I get another Helios (which was supposed to be yesterday).

We went to talk to my brother & SIL the other day about moving east or staying here. They had some ideas about potential jobs in their field (education) that we didn't (wouldn't) know about. Because she's been selling to that market for so long she's got contacts and apparently there's a need right now for a slew of odd reasons. So K.'s going to find out about that.

But even if he gets a teaching job & we stay in Texas, we still have to move.

I figure if I say that often enough it will sink in, and I will quit being in denial. Mostly I just want to crawl back in bed & pull the covers over my head and stay there for as long as I can. I'm thinking I should change the name of this blog from recreation to rehash or rerun.

The Latest Goal

2004-07-13T10:17:00.000-07:00

In an effort to prevent constantly being overwhelmed, I'm really trying to keep pieces of this moving crap small. I'm looking at tiny jobs that I can do easily. My goal for this week is to get the shelves in my office cleared off -- the stuff either on ebay, ready to sell to quilters, or boxed to take to Half-Priced Books. If I can just keep the small steps in mind, I should be able to stay sane.

K. has talked a former colleague who's doing some consulting in DC and who says there are jobs back there. He gave K. some names of people to call. I just hope he makes the calls.

T. emailed us pictures of the condo. It's very nice with a super kitchen (he's the guy who first went to cooking school and used his cooking skills to pay his way through college & graduate school)! I was sure he would have a great kitchen. This condo has 3 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms! Plus an office, a dining room, a living room. It's the same square footage as the house we moved out of. I've proposed that K. go back there one weekend when T. is there and that they figure out how to handle everything. His stuff/our stuff, etc. I would kind of like to have our bedroom furniture. The rest? I don't care about the rest. It can go into storage or we can sell it. He's got much comfier looking stuff than we have. But if we had our bedroom mismatch stuff, at least one room would feel like home. And maybe that's all that matters. Maybe not, too. I don't know.

My exercise program and even my plan to see Rick today have been scuttled due to equipment problems. My Helios (portable oxygen) is broken. I called on Friday and they assured me they'd have a new one here on Monday. Yesterday they assured me it would be today. Now they're saying it will be between noon and 4 so I wait. And I walk in the apartment. And work on my bookshelves.

And try not to think about the big picture.

Getting Ready to Move

2004-07-12T12:53:00.000-07:00

We still don't know where we're going but some things need to happen regardless of our destination. I'm trying to spend 3 hours a day on moving. So I've listed some things to sell on ebay. One is especially cool. It's a knitting book that sold last week (not mine but the same book) for $102. I hope mine goes that high. It's at $61 right now. Here's the item # if you want to look for yourself: 6912060112.

We started to drive around & look at apartments. We ended up driving around and looking at apartment. One. From the outside. We are just not ready for this decision. I'm going with K. to see Rick tomorrow. Maybe he'll help.

Over the weekend I talked with an old friend that I hardly ever talk to. I told him about this possibility. He was definitely in favor of us moving there. Today I got an email from him saying he hoped we had the "strength and courage" to make the choice in favor of moving east. It struck me like a bolt of lightning. That's probably what it will take to get us to move back there. At the moment I'm not sure either one of us have either the strength or the courage.

But stay tuned. You just never know...

Decision Time

2004-07-09T09:35:00.000-07:00

What to do. Move east where we have such wonderful friends and will have free FREE rent? I guess if it's free, it's not rent, right? Free housing, there. Or stay here where we have such wonderful family? We have to move one way or the other. Both daughters have voted that we should move east. I'd really like to talk to my brother S but he's off in Hawaii for a week. So we'll talk when he gets back. But we don't have a lot of time to agonize over this decision. And that's what it feels like -- agony.

I'm so much more comfortable letting circumstances make desicions for me. (How old AM I? 12?) I don't want to make this decision. I thought my health insurance would make the decison for us. I'm in the TX high risk health insurance pool, and I'm pretty sure they wouldn't cover me if I lived in Maryland (hee hee). So I got online and found that Maryland has the same thing. There goes that excuse. Leaving the decision back in our court.

T. called the night before last to say that he was afraid his offer via email was cold, and he wanted to make the offer by phone to tell us he loved us and wanted to do what he could to help. He's such a lovely, lovely man. I told him IF do this, we could clear out on the weekends when he's back (thinking of a certain place on a certain river w/ some other friends who don't seem to mind our freeloading!!). He said that he wouldn't want us to and would love the company. I think he's quite lonely. He's been through a lot in the last several years.

I've gone over the pros and cons. On the stay in Texas side: (1)A very big factor is weather and sunshine. I truly love that about this place. Sunshine almost every day wards off depression better than any damn pill. I haven't taken anti-depressants in a long time, and I think it's because of the sunshine. (2)S & S -- my wonderful brother and his family and the whole big group that we have become. When we moved here, there were only 7 (my brother's family of 4 plus one girlfriend and the 2 of us). Now there are 15 (and at least one trying to get pregnant -- no, not me, but I'm sure that was your first thought -- hee hee). Although those big gatherings wear me out, and I'm not really in the midst of them completely, I love them. I love my two nieces who are like surrogate daughters in a way. If we move we have neither daughters nor surrogates. (3)The idea of living in someone else's space (presumably with his stuff) is odd, makes me feel like I'll never feel at home and will always feel like company. (4) Familiarity. I know my little world here. Moving never bothered me before. In fact, I found it sort of exciting to go somewhere and get to know a new place, new people. Now? Not so much. I didn't find it easy making friends here (as evidenced by how few people I know here and even fewer I consider friends). This place we'd be going isn't metropolitan DC. It's more like out in the country, I think. I don't know. My world is small, and I don't particularly want to push the boundaries right now.

On the move to Maryland side: (1) I probably should push my boundaries right now. I'm so insular and isolated and comfortable, it's probably not healthy. (2) My best friends are in the East (those of you who read this -- not counting daughters) are in the East. I really don't have friends here. Oh, I have friends but they aren't pour-your-heart-out friends. They're more oh-you-got-new-shoes friends. You know what I mean? (3) Free housing.

My brain is overwhelmed again. I have to get off this topic for at least five minutes. We were notified yesterday by our leasing agency that if we don't sign another one-year lease, the rent will be 32% higher!! If we sign another lease it won't go up at all. Needless to say, we will be out of here on September 17th one way or the other.

Catching up

2004-07-07T06:40:00.000-07:00

I'm baaaccckk ... Did you miss me? Here's why I was gone. It's a multiple choice test.

a) Blogger dashboard was down (the part of Blogger I write into, not the part you read).
b) I was hurtling at 900 mph through intersteller space and needed to back up and see if I was still me.
c) I was feeing overwhelmed by the bazillion boxes of fabric now inhabiting our living room in preparation for what I hope will be hordes or quilters who will come buy it all.
d) I've never been able to sustain anything for very long.

The answer is e) all of the above. Or maybe f) all of the above but I'm still changing and still evolving. Yep. It's definitely answer f.

a) Blogger dashboard was down every time I checked (which wasn't all that often) leaving you with reruns just like the television -- on which, by the way, you can now watch poker. I know, I know. You're saying, "Who would want to watch poker." Well, the answer is me. All my life I could never play poker because I could never remember what a flush was and what it beat. In fact I couln't remember any of the hands in poker. I've watched poker on tv 3 or 4 times and I've got it down. I don't like to watch sports but poker is -- was -- my guilty secret. I have no secrets from youse guys. Now you know.

b) I did feel like I was racing through intersteller space (should that be inner steller or maybe it's just outer space?). I was going too fast for my own comfort and, as I was telling K. yesterday, I had to do what I always do in those situations: drum roll: taaa daaa: sabotage myself. So I'm getting straight today. And going a little more slowly.

c) I AM feeling overwhelmed by the bazillion boxes of fabric. I need to empty them and put them on the tables that now inhabit the living room & make them look attractive so people will want to buy them. I am not good at that. I've asked a woman I know to help (I helped her once on a project so I'm hoping she'll reciprocate). An ad goes in the July issue of the Quilters' Guild of Dallas newsletter. I'm not sure when that comes out.

d) I haven't got a good track record of sustaining things. I've got a great track record for starting and being hot to learn new stuff. But that was then. I can change. I am changing. I have proven that I can sustain the important things like friendship and marriage. So I didn't stick with crochet. Is that so important?

Before I end I must give you an example of the goodness of people in our lives -- I could give an example of this every time I write because there's so much of it. We have a friend who works in California but has a place in Maryland. He goes back for weekends once or twice a month. He's offered (again --he made this offer last year) to let us live in his Maryland place free for as long as it takes us to get back on our feet. Isn't that amazing!

Solitude & Rivers

2004-07-01T14:58:00.000-07:00

What is it about having the place all to myself? I look forward to it but I know that when K. finds a job and goes back to work, I'll miss him and be lonely without him around. But today is his hospice day, and I've just revelled in being alone. Not that I've done anything I wouldn't do if he were here. Actually I've done exactly the same things I do every day (I am in a rut) but it just feels quiet and serene and like home.

We've had a lot of rain and gray days lately (really more like parts of days). This is very, very rare for this part of the world. Behind our apartment is a drainage overflow thing that usually has a tiny bit of water in it (although I think not in the summer). K. calls it our "crick" even though I protest every time he says that. I call it our "river" which is equally silly. But Tuesday it was a raging river. We had white water. It was so amazing to see. It was many, many feet above its banks where there are just grasses and trees. The trunks of the trees didn't exist because the water was up that high. I just kept cheering the water on. I wanted it to get higher and higher and come up to our patio. I loved seeing it. Now all that's left is a line of leafy debris where the high water left its mark. I will definitely miss my river. And I'm very glad to have had it!

On the Move Again

2004-06-29T12:03:00.000-07:00

Well, here we go again. Kent and I are going to move again. Our lease it up at the end of the summer and we'll be moving to another smaller, cheaper place. We have no choice. This place was great and I could live here for the rest of my life but it's just too big and too expensive for people with no income. So here we go again. And that's all I can say about that right now. I need time to process it.

Nothing to say

2004-06-28T14:03:00.000-07:00

This is one of those time rap mentioned that maybe the most interesting things will come out. I don't know. I am writing here today out of commitment not because I have anything to say. If I say anything, I'm afraid I'll be whining, and I've done enough of that lately. All I know is pain is bad. No pain is good. And whoever said "no pain, no gain" is full of shit. I don't buy that for a minute. Well, maybe there's good pain and bad pain. Good pain from when your muscles are tired from working hard, and there is gain to that pain. Bad pain when there doesn't seem to be any earthly reason why it's happening like fibromyalgia or gout. I see nothing good coming from these things. Oops, whining. Sorry.
I didn't go to Curves this afternoon. But I will go to the old therapy place tomorrow, I think. It's one of those things -- does exercise help or hurt? I have no idea. Okay, I just went and looked and it (it, meaning the great authoritative internet as I have no idea what site I just looked at) said do not exercise until the inflammation is gone. Bad pain will not beget good pain in this case. Great.
Meanwhile, I did meditate this morning. I wanted to go back to sleep but just couldn't. I'd slept enough, so meditate I did. Yeah. Good for me. Not whining here. Did you notice? I'm glad. I feel better. Thanks for your patience.

The Bloom is Off

2004-06-26T13:49:00.000-07:00

I knew this would happen. It always does. I have a problem with my left leg so I didn't exercise Thursday or Friday. My problem is gout. I have had this in the past and took the medication for years (which is why I got the lung disease so I can't go back on it). So I found some natural "remedies" which aren't helping at all. My leg just hurts. I'm always very good about starting new things but when the monkeywrench gets thrown in, I get off kilter and have trouble getting back on. So I'm vowing to get back on Monday but I'm not trusting myself very much because I know that I need to feel better before I do anything physical. Fortunately, my friend Tina goes to Curves and will prod me if and when I need it (I hope). I think of those fat old royals who had gout from eating whatever rich food they could get and sat around summoning servants whilst their affect limb was on a footstool. I have not been eating any of those kinds of foods so this really pisses me off. I very often have the opposite reaction to drugs so maybe I would to food so I should just go eat all that stuff that's supposed to cause gout. Actually certain veggies were in the "bad" foods group (asparagus, beans, cooked spinach) and I do eat those but I just can't believe they are unhealthy or cause this pain in my leg. I guess I can lay off them for a time while I swallow my celery seed capsules and drink black cherry juice concentrate. It just never ends, does it? I'm just plain pissed off.

Gratitude

2004-06-24T21:27:00.000-07:00

I only have one thing to say today (tonight). Daughters rule! I love my girls. I am so so grateful for the way they enrich my life.

Waiting for Life to Begin

2004-06-23T11:44:00.000-07:00

I've spent a lot of time waiting for my life to begin. All through high schook, I waited for college then for getting out of college. When I became a mom I slowed down because I really loved that sortof wanted to freeze time. I thought then that my life had finally begun. But time didn't stand still so then I started waiting for the girls to finish college so then my life could begin. But I didn't know how to begin it. I felt completely unneeded and unnecessary. I thought the empty-nest syndrome was just plain silly. I would not go through that. That was for people who had not examined their lives -- who hadn't done therapy -- who weren't as close to their kids. The fact is that I was completely mired in empty-nest-ism. And to make matters worse, the empty nest was in a new state, in a new house where there had never really been a nest. So I felt completely lost. Instead of my life beginning, it felt over. I've never actually said this aloud (this is saying it aloud, you know). But I just didn't know what to do. And as my breathing got more difficult and I blamed my own self for being lazy and inert, I became more and more lazy and inert. Oh, my life was definitely not beginning. Or if it was, it wasn't beginning anything fun. But now, I understand that it began 60 years ago, the process never ends, and it is what I make it. I always knew that (I'm not stupid) but I obviously didn't actually get it. I'm making it a lot more fun today than I was a year ago (one year ago today I went into the hospital for a couple of lovely weeks). Today I'm going to Curves. I'm so much happier. I am so grateful. But really I can't see to type any more today.

Meditation

2004-06-22T12:08:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I just plain forgot to write here. How can that be? I sometimes forget the silliest things like the last 4 digits of my social security number or my phone number. But I can remember my Amex card number and my very first phone number (186). Now, what I really, really want to remember to do is meditate. I'd like it to become a habit in my life. I know it would be good for me. I have a cousin in Oklahoma who has meditated for about 25 years. She had a tranquility about her that is remarkable given her life. Her parents chose to live near her in their dotage (ages about 87), and they don't seem to like her very much (and never have seemed to think of her as anything more than a servant to them and the 3 younger children). She's married to a guy she doesn't particularly like and her best friend is an alcoholic. She has reason to rage or get depressed or whatever. But she never does. She copes with things in a very straightforward way and credits it all to meditation. Rick has lots of little tzatkes all over his office. He said he just moves them around to remind himself to do things. We don't have stuff like that. So maybe I need to set an alarm! I don't know. Suggestions would be most welcome.

The visit with the siblings went amazingly well. No one brought up politics or religion. No one picked on anyone else. In fact, I was washing dishes Saturday night and I think it was the first time EVER that I did dishes in front of my sister and she didn't talk about how lazy I was when we were kids and how I'd try to get out of doing dishes. She's 68. It's time. I'm grateful.

H. definitely looked good -- not like someone with such a severe illness. I learned something from them. I'd been thinking that he (or maybe just his wife) was in denial but now I think that they are what positive thinking is really all about. They are living it, not just paying lip service to it. It was pretty impressive, and they don't even know they're doing anything. It's definitely Marianne. She's always impressed me with her wisdom -- never more so than now. And as long as I'm on the topic. Another friend who has been near death too many times and has had serious cancer was just pronounced in remission. This so wonderful that I have shivers writing and tears when I think of it. She is someone who lives so fully and grandly (is that a word?). I am so grateful that we will continue to have her around for a good long time. She went through hell to get here and deserves to have some fun now!

When I was 15

2004-06-17T21:01:00.000-07:00

When I was 15 we moved to the 'hook as Scotty R. calls it. I had the self-confidence of a gnat. And that's not surprising given my family of origin and the town I'd lived in for the first 13 years. Grades 8 & 9 were spent in another entirely forgetable town made up of people whose parents worked for the state government. My peers only wanted to know how much money my father made -- something I never gave much thought to before moving there. I only knew it wasnn't enough for 4 kids, a big house & his drinking. In that town girls were my friends unless boys were around and then they didn't even know my name. Now, that's true friendship! Just before grade 10 here we were in the 'hook. Only 2 kids in the family now, small house, and the drinking was better. But still mean girls. I sat behind a beautiful blonde who reminded me of Mary (as in Peter, Paul and...) who was really friendly and was dating the cutest guy in town -- bar none). She had a couple of friends who didn't want her hanging around the likes of me. One day I read a note from them to her (silly me, I thought it was for me). It said that if she wanted to be friends with them, then she couldn't be friends with me. Oh, those poor, stupid, silly girls.

I will forever be grateful that on that day I found that I had a lifelong friend. You have enriched my life, R., and I'm so thankful. I'm thankful that you were then and continue to not conform to whatever society says we're supposed to do, say, eat, drink, wear, think, etc. You are a unique person. You have no idea what you did for me 45 years ago. But I'll love you for it forever.

I was just thinking about that today when I sat down here so I thought I should say so. And I really stressed the importance of friendship to Brooke when she was really little, about being true to your friends, and being always honest. Maybe I would never have learned that if our last names had fallen in different places in the alphabet!

Off to see the siblings tomorrow. Oh joy!

A new motto

2004-06-16T14:52:00.000-07:00

I really like this: "in whatever you do, always push it a little farther than you think you can, and you'll succeed." So today at Curves I did a little more than one circuit and used less help from the staff. I'm totally exhausted because of that plus the first visit at the new physical therapy place lasted exactly until it was time to go to Curves. That was a bit much.

But seeing this progress is so energizing and addicting. I keep wanting to go to see what more I can do. I didn't expect to see progress for months. I thought it would take ages. So this is such an amazing and wonderful surprise that I really do find it addicting. It's good to have a positive addiction!

Now, I am taping my new motto onto my desk to remind me to keep pushing. Thanks, R!

Running Around

2004-06-15T15:16:00.000-07:00

I am so tired I can hardly see straight. All I do is go from one doctor to the next to physical therapy to exercise and now to another physical therapy place. I'm exhausted from all the running around and the exercise that I'm not yet used to but also from the whole shebang. I'd just like to have a regular sorta life where you go to work, come home, have dinner. Whatever. I did apply for a job today. A part time job with former counselor Rick. It would get me out of here but then I'm exhausted by all the running around so maybe I can't do it, I don't know. But I think it would be wonderful to work for him. And, like Peanut, I'd have a boss I already know I love!

I've committed to myself to write here Monday through Friday (that weekends off thing again) but really, today, I'm just too tired to think about it. So I'll beg off.

Tomorrow I go to the new physical therapy place and Curves. Thursday to the old physical therapy place. Lordy...

Weekends

2004-06-14T16:13:00.000-07:00

I am just back from Curves where I was able to lift one of my legs into one of their pieces of equipment. This is progress because I haven't been able to lift either of my legs into this thing before. Granted it's my right leg which is stronger by far but still...

I wanted to write about weekends because I find it so odd that even though Kent & I have been unemployed for nearly 3 years we still treat our time differently M through F than we do on weekends. And a couple of times we've gone to Whole Foods on weekends when it's awfully crowded and wondered what the hell we're doing there. We could go any day of the week. We went to the movies Saturday. Why? We sit at our computers or do whatever we do Monday through Friday. Granted I can't go to the doctor on weekends or go to Curves (they are open Saturday morning but that's the only part of the weekend). Kent can't talk to people about jobs (but I don't think he's doing too much of that right now anyway). So we're going to see Harry & Marianne on Friday this week. What a novel idea!

Ok, rap, my friend. I am always planning, wanting to know what I'm going to write. I just figure that if I don't know, why bother. But you've given me something to think about. Maybe tomorrow's will be free-floating, stream of consciousness. Oh, brother, and Peanut says I'm not allowed to apologize for anything. This could get interesting (or really, really boring)!

Pain

2004-06-11T09:17:00.000-07:00

It's a very good thing that I had planned to go to Curves on Monday, Wednesday & Fridays because two days in a row (and my first two days at that) wiped me out. Yesterday I was hurting in places I didn't know I had. I still went to the physical therapy place (only did 30 minutes instead of 45 on the Nu-step), and today I'm feeling much better. So this is all good. I love your comments from Wednesday and think they are true. I do and have always given myself negative messages. Those are the messages I received early on and they're the only ones I knew. But you are giving me new messages so I'm going to read them daily and start making them my own messages. Even if you don't write comments every day (and I don't want you to feel obligated), I can read what is already there. Isn't this good? Nah. It's not good; it's great. I love this. I'm now scheduling things around exercise -- doctor's appointment, lunch with a friend, whatever. It's B's theory via rap. Exercise is not an option. I think I like the 4:00 time best because I'm so pooped after Curves if I need to crash at least I don't lose the whole day. So that's when I'm going this afternoon. And I'm looking forward to it. Who knew?

Friends (and that includes daughters)

2004-06-09T08:40:00.000-07:00

What great comments yesterday! Wow! I was just thinking how boring this blog is and was going to sit down and write an apology. But I read the comments first, and I must say thank you for hanging in there with me.

I went to Curves for my orientation after I wrote that and, omigod, I thought I would die. On some of those "chairs" I needed help getting in, others getting out. I was huffing and puffing like a mad woman after one time around and elected not to do the second circuit quite yet. A very lovely young woman helped me, showed me how it all worked. At one point a woman who was there exercising came over to me and said that I was inspirational to them all. At that particular point I was near tears because it was so hard for me to do. I wanted to laugh in her face (in a not nice way)and say, "Inspirational? Not a single woman in this place is anywhere close to being as big as I am so what I am inspiring?" But then I thought about it (a novel idea, think then speak) and realized she was really trying to be encouraging so I just said what was true -- that I was close to tears and thanked her. When I finished the two women who were working that shift asked what I meant about being near tears and I told them that I just couldn't do this. If I hadn't had help, I couldn't get into or out of some of those chairs. They said they would help me until I no longer needed it. I was floored. So I am adopting B's attitude, via rap. I'll just do it. Not an option. But I'm going for 5 days a week for now.

Peanut, your memory of my exercising while you were growing up is so ironic. I look at those as failures. Things tried and not sustained. That old startitis. I'm thrilled to think you got something positive out of it.

The title of today's post is Friends because that's what I had intended to write about. How much your friendship means to me. I have been "dropped" by "friends" in the past (actually it seems to be happening right now again) and I've been hurt and perplexed by it. You guys have been true, and steadfastly loyal, giving, and loving. I am very blessed and grateful to have you in my life. And I'm very sorry if this blog gets boring but c'est la vie.

Exercise and Sweat

2004-06-08T13:05:00.000-07:00

When I was a kid, I hated gym class -- especially when everyone had boobs and I just had fat. Gym class was the worst. I was always called last when it was time to chose sides. I couldn't run far or fast. I couldn't dodge a dodgeball, hit a tennis ball, make a basket, etc. Then, I remember being weighed when I first started at Ichabod Crane and they called out the weight from the person at the scale to the one writing it down. Everyone was around 100 or 110 or 120. Me? 152. And I was thinner then than I'd probably ever been. Oh, I was so mortified. I wanted to curl up and die. It wasn't until my 30s that I had a friend borrow a dress. She weighed 25 pounds less than I, and we wore the same size dress. So f**k the scale (do they let you use the f-word in these things?). Avoiding the scale can be a way of avoiding the weight issue but in this case I'm just going to eat healthy and exercise.

I'm saying to myself that exercise is good, sweat is my friend. Hah! I know. I know. I don't believe it either. But what I do believe is that when I left physical therapy this afternoon my brain felt sharper than it had when I went in there. So exercise IS good for my brain and will ultimately be good for my body. All I know for sure right now is that I have more aches and pains than anything else, and I'm not buying my own affirmation!

I have to think more about this because it's been such a tough one for me. From walking the track at the high school w/ the Jane Fonda tape and yelling at Jane to shut the f**k up to gym classes. I think I have some hostility about the whole thing. Ya think? I'm just going to report to the places, do what they tell me (as I've been doing at physical therapy) and shut up about it. I'm sure in time I will love this. But even if I don't, my body and my brain are better for it.

Pushing

2004-06-07T10:14:00.000-07:00

Some days it's really like pushing a rock through pea soup (of course -- a food analogy). All of it. Living life instead of vegging out. I've grown so used to vegging out that I get weary trying to live fully. So I have to things in small steps. And I don't know where the line is between small steps and copping out. Am I just being careful or am I not pushing hard enough? I don't know. That's another reason for writing here. It helps me to get out of my head and see where I really am. I need to trust myself. I have 10 years to undo and can't do that in 1 day (as much as I might wish I could). So I'm going to have to trust myself that I know the difference between copping out and pushing as hard as makes sense for where I am now.

I thought of several things I wanted to write about last night and now can't remember any of them. I think I need keep a pad handy. Wouldn't want to miss any of these pearls of wisdom! hee hee hee

K is at a job interview. Please send positive vibes his way.

Hope

2004-06-04T11:12:00.000-07:00

I haven't really talked about why I feel hopeful now when I haven't for so long. It sounds so silly but it was the epilepsy medicine. One side effect of this medicine is weight loss. Whoa. Weight LOSS? I couldn't believe my eyes or ears. But it really made me think that this was the key (the magic bullet) that would let me do something about my weight. I've tried so many things (start-itis). But now I'm going public (okay, so my public is you guys, a select few, but still more public than ever before). Yesterday I got one of those fold-over postcards from the family doctor reminding me that it's time for the annual physical exam which is funny because I'm there so frequently. But what made it really funny is that someone in his office had taped a cartoon to the card. I tried to figure out how to post it here (bear with me, it's relevant) but I'd have to pay for this blog to post graphic files and it's not that good!

Cartoon is called "Wizard of Id" if that means anything (it doesn't to me). First frame shows a pharmacist handing a package to a guy, saying "Here's your prescription." Next frame: guy says, "Are there any side effects?" Last frame: Pharmacist says, "None that you don't have already." Maybe it's only funny if you're in my shoes.

Next topic is Curves. I love Curves already. I usually hate the intake at those health club places. They work so damn hard on the sales pitch that I want to run away screaming. Today I just put a steel rod in place of my spine and went in there with great purpose. Omigod. The woman, a 53 year old divorcee with a 28 year old daughter was so great. She owns 3 Curves and has been running them while holding down a full-time job for 4 years. She's now at a point of quitting her job. What, you may ask, is her full time job. No, you'd probably not ask, nor care. But to me it was amazing. She's a respiration therapist. How can this be. Angels are guiding me right now, I think. I didn't need that steel rod.

First off (before learning that she knows lung diseases), they had some smelling candle burning and I can't take that. It makes it hard to breathe. I mentioned that. She just stood up and blew out. No problem, she said. When it came time, as it inevitably would, to weights and measurements, I asked if I could do that at my first appointment so I could psych myself up for it. No problem she said. We talked quite a bit and when I went to leave she gave me a big ole hug. I was floored. It didn't feel uncomfortable or phoney. It just felt good. I told her about hope. She had tears in her eyes when I walked out the door. I do right now.

Last things first

2004-06-03T08:10:00.000-07:00

R: Yes, I'm thinking of things to put here as I'm awake at night or even as I'm doing them. When I think about it, this is a totally selfish way of "communication." I write here. You read it -- or not. You reply -- or not. It's me, me, me. And when I start thinking this way, I want to run the other way and stop doing this blog. So I'll stop thinking this way right now and move onto another important topic.

Enabling. K and I have been enablers for each other for years though I think I stopped enabling him a long time ago. He's been good about not bringing ice cream into the house any more. But knowing that I'm a sucker for sweet, creamy stuff, he should avoid bringing, oh, say, rice pudding or tapioca pudding into the house, too. But, no. I ate that stuff yesterday because it was there. Now, I have to learn to let him eat it in front of me and not feel like I'm missing out on something I really want. In fact, I have to let him have it and feel like I'm getting what I really want instead of that. AHA. That's the ticket. That's exactly the way to think of it. That I'm getting what I really want because that's the truth. Nobody's holding a gun to my head. Getting to choice again. Wow.

This blogging is a pretty good idea.

Where do I begin?

2004-06-02T10:44:00.000-07:00

I think I need to start by meditating and getting away from tubes (be they computer or television). I bought a book by Dr. Andrew Weil called "Spontaneous Healing." I'll read a bit in that, too.

It would be way too easy for this to become a place of self-flagellation. If I start that, please call me on it. But, by the same token, please don't let me off the hook if I start to zone out. This is too important and necessary.

Thank you, R. and B., for feedback. It's wonderful. I do feel connected.

An experience: This morning K. & I were going to stop at the office of the apartment complex so we could look at the exercise room which is housed there. As I parked the car one of the office workers was going in to work. They clone these young women to work in apartment complexes in Texas. They are all the same -- blonde, size 4 or 6, high-pitched voices with a particular sort of twang (but not the Texas twang). And every statement they make ends like a question? You know what I mean? The fear or whatever it is overtook me and I couldn't get out of the car. Ok, wouldn't get out of the car. I am going to go back and do it but in that moment, I just felt the fear and realized I had a choice. I chose to back down. I will choose differently next time. This is the first time it actually felt like a choice so I do think that's a good thing. Rick was always saying "you have to get to choice." I had no idea what he meant by that. Now, I think I do.

Starting Off

2004-06-01T14:25:00.000-07:00

I'm going to use this blog as a way of committing myself to change. I need to be accountable and want to have my friends see what I'm doing. Please feel free to comment (here, in email or on the phone). Comments can be negative or positve but I hope they are constructive! I plan to record my food and exercise here as well as random thoughts as I go along this Recreation.

During the decade of my 50s, I lost myself. I was getting sick with the lung disease and not knowing it so I blamed my increasing lack of activity on being fat, lazy, an altogether bad person. That's what I've often told myself but never for 10 years straight. Now I have to say this: I am not a bad person. I know this for a fact. If I were, could I possibly have two such wonderful daughters? Or friends who are beyond amazing in their strength and loyalty? Or a husband who has shone me over the past year what it's really like to love someone. No. I couldn't have all that if I were a bad person. Therefore, I am NOT. I am a good person with a lot of love and luck in my life.

Also over the last 10 years I also stopped wanting to go anywhere because I was so fat that I was embarrassed. Well, I am now way fatter than I've ever been but I figure that I have just as much right to be wherever I am as anyone else. So there!

These are two positive steps in my Recreation.

There are ways in which I have blocked out the world and my own thoughts. I've done it my whole life but never more so than over the last 10 years. Rick, my former counselor, called it "going unconscious." I have spent way two much time watching television, cruising the web, and reading junk novels. If I'm going to Recreate myself, I have to be conscious. This will be the hardest part because I learned to go unconscious at a very young age. So this will be a tough one but I'm really going to work on it and meditation will help that. So will exercise.

I am now going to my physical therapy place twice a week and will be joining Curves and doing that at least three times a week. That's a committment to you all. I haven't joined Curves yet but plan to do it this week.

About food. One thing that would help is if you tell me what you eat on a typical day or give me suggestions that would be better than what I've had. We have to get back to planning meals and that will help, too.

That's enough for now.